idk

 couldnt help but i,

am not okay,

am depressed,

am hopeless,

am everything down.

wanted to ask for help but i;

keep holding back,

reminding myself;

they're busy,

am i just reaching for them when im only sad?

am i selfish?

they have their own life.

i love humans but;

why do i think like this?

why do i think that they hated me?

why do i dont like human at the same time?

im always like this;

i isolate myself right after i socialize,

i tell myself to stop after we laughed together,

i keep reminding myself that the world doesnt revolve around me,

that theyll leave me one day,

that ill be alone one day,

i cant burden them with my sadness,

why?;

no one need to know,

no one can know,

but i really want them to know,

that im not okay,

i want them to ask me,

am i okay?

but then ill look ridiculous,

im not matured enough,

im like that,

that's why i hate me.

please dont let me be alone.

but please dont feel burdened.

i dont know anymore

 i dont even know if this is sadness tears or just im tired, my eyes are tired.

I GAVE UP

 I really am going to give it all up.

im being ridiculous? heck yeah, hell yeah.

im tired

im tired of being uncertain.

idk if losing all of my hopes means giving up.

im just gonna keep on studying, pretending that im okay, pretending that my life is okay, pretending that i still wanna live in this world, pretending that i still have a dream. 

f that all.

im hopeless. im f'ed up. im a mess. im not me. i always stare at my phone. looking for motivations. when all i just found is stupid instagram reels. music. i mean, wtf ima?

im just gonna study because my dad paid the registration fee. i have no life. i keep on forgetting important things. i dont get my priorities straight. hell i dont even know what's important anymore.

what do i like? what do i dont like? what is feelings? what is love? what is happiness? what is life?

what am i? i keep on reminding myself that i live because there is God. There is Allah. that's all. im bad that that is not even a motivation, thats a reminder.

the day i gave halal up was the day i gave everything up. im tired of having dream, and have to change it every fucking time. im tired of not getting to choose. im tired of finding my ways so that i could still end up in my dream but just ended up watching it crumbling.

i gave up. i need to live for other's happiness. i can't be selfish. if i dont wanna be selfish, i cant be happy. because the like what i dont like.

it's always "untungla kau tahfiz, untungla kau arab", its never "aku nakla masuk tahfiz, aku nak la amek arab". never. that "untungla" was never my dream, was never my choice. i didnt get to choose.

i hate that i know all of this. i hate that im maturing that i started to understand myself. that i know that i dont like any of these. i hate realizing that this is hurting me so much. damn aint i like that my whole life?

that's it, dont be selfish, so dont even dream to have a fucking dream. just give up. just live because God says so. just live because dying just menyusahkan mak bapak kau. do something in return.

bye.

Dapur

Kadang2 aku terfikir,

Hidup matiku kerana dapur,

Kerana makanan,

Kerana mak bapak.

Pernah tak sekali aku hidup untuk diri sendiri?

Kerana Allah tu mmg kena lah kan.

Tapi in case of Human,

Pernah tak aku hidup untuk diri sendiri?

Let It Go, but only not yet.

Idk,

People say not to hear to depressing music, but what if that's the only coping mechanism that I had? Because I thought at least there are people like me, without having me to tell people my stories. You know, one way communication. I mostly listen to NF. Because in my opinion, his musics are the fair amount of stories about mental illnesses and the same time, motivating.

He is a religious (Christian) rapper. But he ain't saying no Jesus in his songs. So I feel comfortable when I'm listening to his songs. 

What would I do without music? That's the only escape that I'm still holding on. My only live that's not fading away. My writings are fading away, my drawing talent gone just like that. My reading are also fading away. It is music that has been my only escape. I mean, it's not 100% reason that I'm still living. I'm solely living because I'm a Muslim. A not very practical one besides praying and fasting.

People say music is not good. Religious people say that. I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite. I'm not a very good Muslim well at least I don't kill myself (yet). Not that I'm planning to do that. I'll only go to hell if i ever do that. Lol. I'm not gonna sacrifice my hereafter just because this world is a living hell, that's stupid right? 

HEEEEEE

 HEEEEEEE

Saya happy

sebab hari ni dapat guna meja baru, levitator laptop baru, ada rak kecik baju, dan keyboard baru.

Bedroom makeover.

Setelah sekian lamanya.

buat entry ni pun sebab nak test keyboard.

HEEEEEEE

Happy!

Lepastu, buku saya dah 10.3k views, yeayyyyyyyyy.

Tapi, hari ni hari yg sibuk sikit sebenarnya.

Pagi tadi keluar dgn abah, karang jap gi nak keluar gi klinik (ytjt), hehe dah lama tak gi klinik sebab masalah sendiri. Hmm... lepas tu malam kang nak tasmik dgn ain, lepas tu ada rehearsal program sabtu nanti, last skali ada movie date, wuhuuuu. Sabtu tu, Alhamdulillah, peserta lebih banyak la drpd dulu, drpd program 1.

Wahhh, tapi saya happy. Heeeeee.

P/S : ada jugak orang baca blog saya ni kan? ingatkan tak ada, hahaha. Hmmm.

Ok bye!

TERCARI

 Pernah tak, korang, ada ramai kawan, kenal ramai orang, dan diorg ok je, some of them is good and some of them is the opposite. tapi, they're all okay in general. 

kau kenal ramai orang.

tapi,

kau tak tahu kau nak mengadu dan bertanya pendapat tentang masalah kau kat siapa. sebab, kau takut,

1. orang tu sibuk dah dengan masalah dia

2. orang tak faham masalah kau

3. cara penyampaian kau buat orang salah faham

4. kau rasa kau mengada-ada je.

and that's what's going on with me right now. aku serabut. perlukan pendapat manusia setelah mencari Tuhan. tapi i dont know where to start.

aku minta maaf sangat2 kalau kawan2 aku rasa diorg tak berguna untuk aku, bukan korang yang tak ok. tapi 4 sebab kat atas tu. overthinking dari pengalaman-pengalaman dulu. dan trust issue + anxiety + depression. 

gabungan yang hebat.