idk

 couldnt help but i,

am not okay,

am depressed,

am hopeless,

am everything down.

wanted to ask for help but i;

keep holding back,

reminding myself;

they're busy,

am i just reaching for them when im only sad?

am i selfish?

they have their own life.

i love humans but;

why do i think like this?

why do i think that they hated me?

why do i dont like human at the same time?

im always like this;

i isolate myself right after i socialize,

i tell myself to stop after we laughed together,

i keep reminding myself that the world doesnt revolve around me,

that theyll leave me one day,

that ill be alone one day,

i cant burden them with my sadness,

why?;

no one need to know,

no one can know,

but i really want them to know,

that im not okay,

i want them to ask me,

am i okay?

but then ill look ridiculous,

im not matured enough,

im like that,

that's why i hate me.

please dont let me be alone.

but please dont feel burdened.

i dont know anymore

 i dont even know if this is sadness tears or just im tired, my eyes are tired.

I GAVE UP

 I really am going to give it all up.

im being ridiculous? heck yeah, hell yeah.

im tired

im tired of being uncertain.

idk if losing all of my hopes means giving up.

im just gonna keep on studying, pretending that im okay, pretending that my life is okay, pretending that i still wanna live in this world, pretending that i still have a dream. 

f that all.

im hopeless. im f'ed up. im a mess. im not me. i always stare at my phone. looking for motivations. when all i just found is stupid instagram reels. music. i mean, wtf ima?

im just gonna study because my dad paid the registration fee. i have no life. i keep on forgetting important things. i dont get my priorities straight. hell i dont even know what's important anymore.

what do i like? what do i dont like? what is feelings? what is love? what is happiness? what is life?

what am i? i keep on reminding myself that i live because there is God. There is Allah. that's all. im bad that that is not even a motivation, thats a reminder.

the day i gave halal up was the day i gave everything up. im tired of having dream, and have to change it every fucking time. im tired of not getting to choose. im tired of finding my ways so that i could still end up in my dream but just ended up watching it crumbling.

i gave up. i need to live for other's happiness. i can't be selfish. if i dont wanna be selfish, i cant be happy. because the like what i dont like.

it's always "untungla kau tahfiz, untungla kau arab", its never "aku nakla masuk tahfiz, aku nak la amek arab". never. that "untungla" was never my dream, was never my choice. i didnt get to choose.

i hate that i know all of this. i hate that im maturing that i started to understand myself. that i know that i dont like any of these. i hate realizing that this is hurting me so much. damn aint i like that my whole life?

that's it, dont be selfish, so dont even dream to have a fucking dream. just give up. just live because God says so. just live because dying just menyusahkan mak bapak kau. do something in return.

bye.