Takdir hidup

Assalamualaikum..

Today i wanna talk about destiny. Our destiny. It turns out that i wanna talk in english. But i know i will just talking trash. So just cut the crap!. Ok sorry. Actually im not in the very good mood today. And i just finished watching two english movie. And maybe that can be a strong reason why i wanna talk in english.

Ok, the reason im not in the very good mood is because i didnt got a mumtaz sufi. Just now my friend sent to our group I mean class group in whatsapp the image of the list. List that written many names of the lucky and excellent student who got mumtaz sufi. And i've got this not very good feeling. But yet, curiosity kills the cat. I took a look for my name in it. And there you go, there is not a single chance that i would find a "Halimatun". Haha. Sad. Sad girl. I looked for my name like crazy. Over and over. And then i stopped.

I looked at my sister laptop which is the one i used to watch the movie i said just now. Staring at it. Took a deep breath. Contemplated myself for a while. And start talking to myself in a low voice. The first line i said was

"Heh, hidup ni bukan selalu kat atas",

Haha. What a way to make my heart at ease. I am sad. I was dissapointed. I am.. I am.. Urghh.. But not till the level of frustration. I dont even know how to smile. And i hypocritedly gave a "congrats" to my friends. Yeah. I admitted it. I am very hypocrite when i said that. Haha.. I keep typing this haha without a smile on my face. Im sorry.

And i start thinking.. Am i not good? Didn't i studied? Im thinking and thinking and keep thinking. Until i didn't know what to think anymore. Man, im broken right now. Im.. Im... I dont know. I dont know what to do. But, i can't just give up right? Right? Right?!. I think i just need to strive for spm next year. Yeah, SPM.

God please!. I don't want this feeling. I dont want it!. Can't you make me a heartless person? And so then i remember that what make me a human. But seriously, everytime i hope that i am a cool person. But maybe a cold person. That would be good. A cold person. Not a cheerful person. 

But that what destiny is. And it might be something good behind it. We can't rewind our time. Which is what i know everybody think about it at least once. Huh. Dont lie. But yeah,

Setiap yang berlaku ada hikmahnya. Salam.